Expected 

'Can I get closer to you? Tell me the truth. Can I get an answer from you? Show me a sign. Here I stand with my heart in my hands and all I do, is to get closer to you..." Those are just words, but words can hide a lot of pain too...

They are coming from the heart of a woman, whom would have done anything for me. Ava is her name. Ava was an excellent writer, she could string words into a story, or an article to make a point like no other.

It all started with just a simple thing, such as a collaboration, she wanted to use my lyrics in one of her novels and I was interested into reading those novels.

I was intrigued by her. She had something that I couldn't get off my mind, and yet my heart wouldn't allow me to fall in love with her.

Talking to her was good for my ego, she was a good listener, she knew how to calm my nerves and saying the right things to keep me grounded.

I was a huge mess and a selfish asshole, I only wanted her friendship, short after her body too, and when the friendship develops stronger roots, I was daring to ask even more from her, not me considering, her catching feelings for me.

The walls that I've been building up over the years, slowly were coming down, she made me feeling in a certain way, and those feelings were scaring me to death. Short after I started to pull away, noticing her giving me the space that I needed. Ava didn't asked questions, didn't go berserk me every time treating her like ordinary, and yet every time I went back to her, she always sacrificed her sleep to talk to me.

Ava loved me, and I love her even more, however I never had the courage to tell her, I made her believe that my feelings they weren't reciprocated, that they were one sided, so she could let me go...This way it was easier for her to forget me.

Back in the day, I took her for granted, now that I look back I realize what I lost. She was meant to be...It was destined to cross paths with me and she seemed to understand me in every possible way. She could have any man she wanted to, and yet she had chosen over and over to pick me over any other man. She putted her life on hold for me and I've played her, and hurt her heart.

At our last disagreement, I was making excuses and trying to find flaws in her, while she was overlooking mine and accepted me with my scars. She kept expecting for me to change my mind and I didn't, I gave up on her and now that the tables have been turned, I want her back, I need her in my life, but it was her whom decided to turn her back on me and leave me for good.

I don't understand why destiny would let us meet, knowing that we could never be together?

Closer To You and Not Giving Up, those are very personal songs to me...Ava wrote those songs for me and I wish I could hold her, every time I've made her cry. I wish I could have one night with her, to love her and treat her the way she deserves to been treated to. 

Ava was my greatest supporter, following me in every step I took, and when she suggested to share my story with the world, I started to fight the idea against her. Her passion for me to succeed with my music, made me reciprocate the feeling, me wanting her to succeed in writing as well.

Still I couldn't let her dig deeper into my life, what happened to Sid had to stay a secret...

However Ava means the world to me, I hope someday she will find the strength to forgive me.

Ryan.